With the release of Marvel’s The Avengers, summer blockbuster movie season is in full swing, folks. I’m here to educate the pants-on-head-stupid villains in every explosive action flick out there, to provide a “how to” guide, if you will. Please enjoy this list of things to do (and not to do) in order to increase the odds of actually coming out victorious when Willis Schwarzenegger Stallone, Jr comes knocking.
1. Disguise your home.
If your castle LOOKS like you drown children in it while bathing in the tears of their distraught mothers, guess what? You’re going to be found out by the hero. If it’s that obvious, I can find you on Google Maps. Me. Stop being a complete jackwad and make your hideout look less obvious. Time and time again, James Bond has blown up buildings just like yours. How about setting up shop in a nice single family home, and building a 20-story underground lair? Call those assholes from Trading Spaces or something if you have to. If they can’t FIND you, they can’t STOP you. If you can’t do that…
2. Stop putting ziplines as escape routes all over your fucking super-fortress.
Do you have any idea how strong a cable has to be to stay rigid and safe for Bash Ironfist to escape your grasp and save the girl? The dude is usually 200 pounds of pure muscle. It has to be Really Fucking Strong. Seriously, you seem to have these ziplines for no reason. They’re all over the goddamn place and none of them appear to be attached to anything important. Stop doing this. Maybe zip line cables are important to the aesthetic of your giant torture palace, or maybe chicks dig boring rides down cables, but that doesn’t matter if Bruce Willis returns with an F22 Raptor to destroy everything you own and punch you in the dick. If there are no cables, the dude is going to have to JUMP off the roof. Or failing that, if you HAVE to have decorative wires everywhere, make them super weak so they snap mid way down. This will absolutely end in the death of the hero. Unless, y’know, they can safely land in some pristine water below…
3. Stop having waterfront villas.
The good guy is going to have a boat. Or a life raft. Or something waiting for him at the bottom. Maybe a trained dolphin, in some cases. There might even be a woman so painfully hot driving the boat that you’ll cry a little in your loneliness. You sad bastard. At the very least, he’ll have some weird scuba equipment that was only briefly mentioned in the beginning of his journey to your doorstep. I absolutely guarantee you this is the case. If your hideout is on a cliff, make sure the cliff is at least 173 feet from the surface of the water. The highest survived intentional jump into water I could find (after exactly one minute of research on Google) was 172 feet, and that dude BARELY survived. When you hit water at a height any higher than that, it acts like you just hit a brick wall at 50 miles per hour without a car wrapped around you for safety. Ouch. Also, it couldn’t hurt to have a landscaper put a bunch of jagged rocks all over the place under the water, just in case. If, for some reason you ignore both of these tips and Channing Tatum makes it safely out of your property…
4. Pick a decent type of chase vehicle, for the love of everything good in the world.
You’re a multimillionaire evil genius. You have jets, helicopters, ballistic missiles, and probably at least a few tanks. If the hero escapes on foot, RUN HIM THE FUCK OVER! It’s not hard! Get in an armored personnel carrier and just squish him like a bug. If he’s in a car, gun him down in a chopper. Or if you’re actually intelligent and you don’t want to have to stand up, shoot a missile at him from the comfort of your Apple Macbook Pro (genocidal scumbags only use Apple products). You know what’s more satisfying than chasing after somebody on foot and potentially being beaten to death? A giant goddamned fireball filled with shrapnel and screams. If you’re STILL failing to kill the hero or heroine, there’s one more thing you can try…
5. Follow him/her.
Don’t sit down on your ass and try to re-fortify your now-crippled Bin Laden Spider Hole (okay, that sounds dirtier than I intended it, whatever, let it ride). Get everyone you have to follow the dude and find out where he’s going to recuperate from your torture machines. He’s probably going to run away on foot (after slowly walking away from the explosions at your mansion), because he’s an idiot (albeit a badass idiot), so just follow him and wait. By the end, he’ll be physically and mentally exhausted. This is when you strike. You can do it in person or have a nameless, faceless henchman do it for you. This is why guns were invented. But that reminds me…
6. Stop failing to train your nameless, faceless henchmen!
Let’s face it. The US Military, as badass and strong as it is, is full of nameless, faceless drones who are trained to protect our Constitution from enemies, both foreign and domestic. Do you know the difference between these guys and your idiot goons? 13+ weeks of solid combat training followed by individual job training where they learn how to kill people even better. Where did you find your friends? Craigslist? It was Craigslist, wasn’t it? That’s not what the personal ads section is for. Find some scumbags around inner cities who are covered in gang tattoos. Pay 100 of them a ton of money and train them for four months straight in every way known to kill a human being and survive in the wilderness. You’ll do better with these hundred fellows than you would with ten times that amount of pudgy, annoying, cliché cohorts. Oh and while we’re on the subject, if you end up training a bunch of tigers, sharks, or tiger sharks to do your dirty work for you, they WILL END UP EATING YOU. Stick to the types of pals who can speak your language and not just chirp or growl at you.
Look, I know you’re going to ignore all of my advice. I feel it in my bones every rainy morning. This is all entirely futile and we both know it. So continue screwing up. When Arnold is “back” I’ll be successful at the things I mentioned. I’m going to rule this world someday, and I won’t drop a single flower at your headstone in Bad Guy Cemetery.